That is my word of the day. My mind is full. I won’t call it stress. It’s just full and I need to empty it a bit and calm myself. I’ve been dealing with some weird health symptoms (lightheadedness, mostly) and am trying to determine how much is this new sober life I’ve adopted. If those symptoms are temporary, then so be it. If not…well I need to find that out as well.
Maybe I’ve taken on too much at once. In the excitement of going AF for approx. 115 days, I’ve also been able to change my health habits quite a bit. I’ve lost about 15 pounds, I no longer need the heartburn meds, and my doctor has just removed all of my blood pressure meds (apparently alcohol raises BP and my meds have brought that number down too low). I have weaned myself off of the antidepressants I’ve taken for more than 20 years. So my medicine cabinet holds only an 81 mg. aspirin, a fish oil capsule, and a multi-vitamin. Wow. 60 years old and I no longer take RX meds. That’s great news. But I feel different. I’m not always nice anymore. I’m not the Stepford wife that my husband is used to. The antidepressants always kept me on an even equator and now I have more emotions. Not necessarily bad emotions – just emotions. I feel things now. My brain is changing. And I’m AF for the first time since I was 16 years old. I don’t recognize myself. I feel like a blank canvas.
I want to simplify my life. I want to unplug from technology and live in the woods and pick mushrooms. I’ve begun cooking difficult recipes and baking things from scratch. I’ve never done that before. I’m reading whole books and remembering the plots.
I want to stop spending money on stuff I don’t need. But mostly, I want to stop making lists in my head of all these changes I’d like to make. I just want to relax and enjoy each day and simplify my life.
Today was a good day. I wrote a small piece on Belle’s blog to signify my 100 day mark. I mentioned that it was a bit anticlimatic though. No fireworks, no bells, no big congratulatory emails. Just a nice quiet day, feeling very good about myself. I’m a bit relieved to be able to stop counting. I have lots of things to do and don’t want to count any more. I feel like a big vidalia onion that needs the outer skin peeled away.
So that’s what I’m doing…I’m peeling away the skins of an onion. I’ve peeled away the cigarettes and the alcohol, I’ve peeled away the sugar (that was easy for me cuz I don’t like sweets), I’m weaning myself off of the Prozac that I’ve taken more than 20 years, and I’m even dyeing my hair back to it’s natural color! I just want to know what it’s like to really be me. I haven’t known that since I was 14 and who knows themselves at 14 anyway. I really will be a blank canvass. I want to be rid of all mind-altering products. I probably should get off the coffee too (I’ll have to ponder that one).
So on another note. I’ve noticed there are several sober tweeters out there. I had a twitter account with only two people following me. My boss and a local boy who has since passed away from cancer. I don’t want my boss to follow my tweets. I don’t tweet because my name is on there, but I’d love to tweet with sober tweeters. So, I’ve changed my profile photo and my username to @changecoursenow. If you are a tweeter, please find me and tweet me. It certainly would be nice to throw out 140 characters now and then to folks that know something about me.
I made this pie on Sunday. It is the first pie I’ve ever made from scratch (keep in mind I’m 60). Saw the recipe on a new Food TV show called Heartland Table. To my new friend Sharon… Excellent crust, but I think next time I’ll leave out the lemon juice from the blueberry mixture. Isn’t it pretty?
Hugs to you all!
There has been a common theme on the blogs lately about all the time we now have on our hands since we gave up the drink. Time when we used to spend thinking about the wine, stopping to buy the wine, chilling, opening, pouring the wine, drinking the wine, thinking about pouring the next glass of wine, worrying about whether there is enough wine, etc. etc. Now that all of that is gone, what on earth do we do with our time? We think about not buying, not drinking, not worrying. We read blogs about not drinking, we write blogs about not drinking, we count days, we attend meetings, etc. etc.
We fill our time checking off things on our bucket list. Things we never had time to do before. Things we want to learn to do, books we want to read, canvass we want to paint, sonatas we want to play, jewelry we want to make, fresh air we want to breathe, weight we want to lose, meals we want to prepare, etc. etc.
So, here’s my dilemma. I keep acquiring stuff for new hobbies. I start things and never finish. I can’t seem to focus on one thing and do it well. I’m so excited about having all this time that my mind won’t calm enough to enjoy it. I’m procrastinating more than I ever have in my life!
I’m not even close to wanting to ever drink again – I’m not worried about that. But I’m running in circles. I’m not sleeping well, I don’t feel well in the morning, and I’m not accomplishing anything.