Am I the only one that missed this holiday?
So we’re at this fancy restaurant, ready to celebrate Valentine’s Day and the waiter (Scott) looks at me and says something like:
“May I suggest a white to start? This unattainable white contains angel sweat strained through diamond mesh into a platinum tureen hammered smooth by three former Presidents and the current Pope. Stored in an oak barrel made from the Tree of Life, bottled by billionaires, and poured into your glass by a scientist or poet. And Bob Dylan will personally watch you drink it.” (Cost for this bottle – approx. $50)
What Scott really meant was:
“We took a bunch of grapes and smooshed them and then they got kind of rotten, and we drained off the alcohol part and that’s the part we pour in this pretty glass” (taken from “Modern Drunkard Forum”)
I replied: “I’ll have a glass of cranberry juice with tonic and a slice of lime please.” Scott immediately turned his attention to my husband who listened intently to Scott’s suggestions. It was hilarious when you listen to it through sober ears.
We did have a lovely dinner. The steak was divine and the company was charming.
I was in the middle of Saturday housework. Literally half-way through vacuuming when it hit me. I need to be more intentional. My goal to “Change Course Now” needs to be more than counting the days of sobriety. More than blogging and commenting and attending meetings and being all proud of myself. It’s more than filling my newly acquired sober time with piano and acrylics and new knitting stitches. Even more than deciding what fruit to put in my Pellegrino water. All of that is important, but now at 251 days, I need to know what my next step is.
It was a result of a phone call from my daughters on Valentine’s Day. My two daughters could not be more different from each other. The oldest is 32, divorced from a difficult ex-husband, mother of a ten year-old girl and six year-old boy, working very long hours and living in a newly purchased home near Detroit, Michigan. My youngest daughter is a 30 year-old, newly married to a darling husband, living in Atlanta, both with great jobs, no children, traveling whenever they want, having the time of their lives. She is a 7 year cancer survivor and loves every day of her life.
But she called her older sister on Thursday night and poured out her heart for an hour and a half, apologizing for not being more present in her life, for not being a good auntie, and being selfish with her time. Detroit sister was stunned and immediately called me to tell me the whole wonderful story.
So…that’s probably more than you needed to know, but it is the background to my epiphany while vacuuming this morning. I am just as selfish with my time as Atlanta daughter. I don’t put myself out for anyone. It’s just all about me. And that has to stop right here.
I remember year after year asking God to help me to quit drinking. Well, He directed me to the blogs that directed me to sobriety. I’m sure He’s just sitting up there waiting to see if I’m going to come through with all of those promises I made to Him. Was I going to come back to church on Sunday mornings? Was I going to find ways to help others in the community? Was I going to be a better wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, friend, neighbor? ( I’m sure I promised all of those things in my stupor). Or was I going to sit on my butt and check my phone app to see how many days I’ve acquired (251 today by the way).
He gave me a nudge while I was pushing my Dyson around. I felt it. I’m listening. I need to fill this new sober time with constructive activities that will touch others. I need to make some scones for the neighbor who is home with sick children this week. I need to do some “Facetime” with my grandchildren and ask them to read me a book. I need write to the friends I’ve made around the country on real stationery. I need to be more intentional. God gave me this opportunity.
But first I have to go finish vacuuming.
Goodness! I’m having a hard time sticking with my intentions to blog more regularly. You all are such a great outlet for me to talk to! You are my super sober cyber friends. You don’t judge me – you simply support me. I have a history of letting friends slip away. Mostly it happens when my husband is transferred and we leave friends behind. I don’t keep in touch except for the annual obligatory Christmas card. With this move, I haven’t really tried to make friends because I know we will leave soon (we’ve been here eight years now). So, although my last post promised to get involved with a group of humans (either church, or work, or and AA group) – I haven’t. No good reason…just haven’t done it.
But there is one intention I have stuck with. I am sober 250 days today. So right now, I’m happy with that.
Hubby is taking me out for a beautiful romantic dinner tomorrow night to celebrate Valentines Day. He is a romantic. He loves this holiday. He brings me a dozen roses and a thoughtful Hallmark card. He takes me out for dinner and I buy him a big box of quality chocolates. When he told me he was making reservations for our dinner – I realized I didn’t really care about going out. Didn’t feel the need to spend all that money. What it came down to was my Valentine routine would be out of wack. No glass of wine while I carefully applied my make-up. No glass of wine while we waited for our table. No talking over the wine list to choose the perfect bottle. No need to ask for the cork for my “special occasion” wine cork collection. No sharing a bottle of wine (and wishing we could order another but not having the nerve to ask for it). No coming home and sneaking one more little glass before bed. Yes, my Valentine routine would definitely change this year. I mentioned this to my daughter and she suggested I might like to try enjoying the FOOD! Now there is a novel idea. I never cared much about food…it was just an excuse to drink wine! So that’s what I’ll do this year. I’ll try to enjoy the food. I’ll let you know how that goes.
I love reading all of your posts – and want to continue my cyber relationships with all of you. Thanks for reading, thanks for supporting me.