Self Love

Thank you to Sunny Sanguinity for her insightful post.  I read it this morning just as I was feeling sorry for myself.  She helped me to realize how important it is to love myself before anything else.  You see, this morning, on day two of my “Spring Break” I was wandering through the house afraid that I would waste away this vacation week with nothing to show for it.  I would return to work next Monday and wonder what I did with those precious days.  I’ve spoken about the lists I make of all the fun stuff I will accomplish, but then I wander.  Sunny spoke of her daily routine of doing some form of exercise, meditation, journaling.  She keeps a vision board.  She actively works on self-love.  She puts one foot in front of the other.  Another thing she mentioned is writing her blog without censor.  In other words, writing as though no one is reading it.  I don’t do that at all. I write as thought I’m speaking face to face, so I’m not about to say anything that would embarrass myself or make me look damaged.  No sir ee.  I  will keep my authentic self to myself, thank you very much.

I’m going to take Sunny’s advise and spend my Spring Break vacation learning to love myself unconditionally.  I always thought I did, but I’m second guessing that now.  My vacation is not about how many books I read, which new recipe I try, what canvas I paint.  Instead, I think I’ll use this precious time to get to know myself/love myself a bit better.

So…here we go

275 days ago, I lost my best friend.  I don’t miss that liquid poison.  But I miss the companionship.  It was my excuse to curl up on the couch and watch a stupid Lifetime movie.  It was my excuse not to participate in a neighborhood gathering, a church group dinner, or an extended phone call with an old friend.  I had my friend in my hand and I was perfectly content.  Now I find myself wandering, lonely, isolated.  I’ve alienated anyone who was willing to offer their friendship, companionship.  I’ve alienated my only sibling (estranged is the word I believe).  I have only my elderly mother left in my immediate family.  My children/grandchildren live in different states.  We love each other, but seldom talk.  My husband is happy go lucky and not needy at all.  Oh, and my dog passed away a few months ago.  Well, I didn’t really need to throw that into the mix.

My life might change course soon.  My husband is being considered for a position that would transfer us back to Michigan, where we moved from 8 years ago.  Back to the town we loved, and most importantly, back to where our eldest daughter and our two grandchildren live.  Oh how lovely that would be!  Everything would change.  My life would be amazing!  Would it?  Or would I just bring this baggage up to Michigan with me?

I think I have some work to do before that happens.  I think I need to bury my poisonous friend once and for all.  I need to move on and allow myself to heal and be open to others.

And if the transfer doesn’t happen?  I must find other ways to reach out and replace the empty companionship of a poisonous liquid with something that has a heartbeat.




4 thoughts on “Self Love

  1. Hi!
    I hope things continue to shape up well for you, especially that move to Michigan!
    As for the “blogging without censor”, I do a fair bit of that and I see it as an important outlet but I’m also deliberately “writing to an audience” some of the time, too and that, to me, can open the door to some really good fun/mischief/daftness, allowing me to (hope to) entertain as well as simply spilling thoughts and feelings.
    So, as with most things, a bit of a mix, to me, is a nice way to go. A dose of deep and meaningful + a pinch of light and airy …. keeps it interesting :o)
    Take care and more power to you moving forward
    G x

  2. I never thought about it as my best friend, but you’re exactly right. I’ve spent the last few months trying to reconnect with real people, friends I had neglected because I was cozied up to my wine bottle. If you come to !Michigan we’ll have to get together somehow.

  3. Hey lady! So glad that I could inspire you so much 🙂 Self-love is really such a big deal — it changes your life I think. There is a lot of grief in losing your best friend, your excuse to curl up on a couch or not go out for a neighborhood gathering. You’re totally allowed to grieve, in fact it’s part of the healing process! And know too that you can still curl up on the couch with a hot cup of tea. You don’t need an excuse to not go to the neighborhood thing. You could just want time to yourself. But if you feel alienated and isolated, maybe reaching out isn’t such a bad thing either. Big hugs and maybe put Michigan on your vision board 😉

  4. As Belle puts it. I am a bit of a lurker. But been commenting on a few blogs when they resonate and boy did yours. I have 75 days and still don’t feel comfortable. My two best friends wine and tv. Just so I didn’t have to participate in life. I have a lot of layers to unpeel. And these blogs help me put my feelings into words I can understand. Thanks for your gift of writing.


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