Where Are All the Happy Sober Women?

Well, I was reading Drunky Drunk’s post this morning about complainers and it reminded me of the women’s only AA meeting I attended last night. A series of rambling complaints about life, family, and circumstances. These are sober women who just can’t let it go. Doesn’t matter what the topic of the night is – they will find a way to connect it to some horrible in-law that they have issues with it. I’ve been trying different groups on different nights and come away each time feeling worse than when I arrived. Perhaps my expectations are unreasonable. Perhaps I’m looking for an uplifting, smiling bunch that are so thrilled that they’ve given up the poison that they can’t wait to share their pink clouds with anyone new coming in. These aren’t newbies. These are women with 10+ years in. They’ve been dumping their family business in these meetings for years and years! They sound so bitter.  But yet, when a brand new frightened alcoholic enters the room, they wrap their arms around her and spill all their words of encouragement.  How AA helped them…how there lives are so much better now that they’ve become sober.

Last night’s moderator pointed to each of us around the table to talk – rather than allowing volunteers to speak up.  So, at my turn, I had nothing to say about the topic (which I don’t recall), so I just told everyone how happy I was to be sober and how well I had maintained my new life!  Yeah whatever…on to the next bitchy mother-in-law story.

I guess I keep going to meetings hoping to find live sober people that are similar to all of YOU out there in my sober cyber world. You are all so excited and positive as you attempt to maintain (along with your struggles) this new and exciting lifestyle. Occasionally, when one of you falls down – the rest of us run to your rescue. It is such a wonderful community. Are there live meetings like this out there? Actually – there is one I know of. Josie at THEMIRACLEISAROUNDTHECORNER sounds like she runs that type of positive meeting. Yes, I hear all of you out there thinking perhaps I should start my own meeting. But all I really want to do is hang out with some like-minded ladies who have made the decision to stop drinking…ladies like me.

23 thoughts on “Where Are All the Happy Sober Women?

  1. I so agree~ that would be fun if we all get together. I plan one day to hit one of Josie’s meetings as she is less than 2 hours from me. I hope you find some positive fun sober ladies soon~ they have to exist! xoxo

  2. Sorry to hear you are getting the whiners there. They happen. I remember one dude at a meeting about a year and half ago (yeah, I still remember it) going on and on and on and on about these inlaws of his coming over. No mention of alcoholism or the solution or what he was doing to overcome his fears and resentments. Just vomiting it all on the floor for the rest of us to clean up. And you will get that. I don’t cotton to that, and don’t enjoy those shares much, but then again, who am I – the share police? lol. I might just go over my shopping list in my head at those times, or something like that.

    Longevity in the program doesn’t make for solid and healthy recovery. Don’t be disillusioned by this all! There are some amazing fantastic people who just *get it* who don’t necessarily have long time. Seek and hang out with those who have what you want, who seem to emote positivity even when the chips are down for them, and who work with others. Who have worked the steps. I can bet you donuts to dollars that most of those whiners and complainers haven’t worked the steps or haven’t worked with anyone in a long time, if at all.

    And this applies to the dudes equally 🙂

  3. I am laughing at the same time as I’m annoyed with these women. Because you are so correct… bitching and moaning, then turning around to a newcomer and telling them how wonderful life is, is hypocritical, and the opposite message we should be sending.

    I have, sadly been to meetings like that. The good news for us (well, I will speak for myself, as I am unsure where in the world you are), is that there are so many meetings from which to choose! It took me some time to understand that I actually had a choice, and if a meeting was consistently making me feel bad, then I could choose another meeting. To be fair, I will say make sure it wasn’t just a one-off, an aberration, and that it is normally more upbeat. But if this is the norm, then by all means, keep looking for happy sober people, because, I promise, they are out there!

    And, by the way, if we ever want to plan the mid-point meet up, I AM IN! And thank for the compliment (although, strangely, I did not receive a prompt that my blog was linked to, I wonder why?), and you are welcome any time you can get over to the suburbs of Philly at 10 am on a Monday!

    If you find your local happy people, please write with an update 🙂

  4. The moderator at meetings I have been to will look at the whiner and say, what does this have to do with alcohol. I think that is cool. Because, as you say, we all have shit, who wants to hear other peoples dog/mother in law/bathroom issues.
    If your are interested in the program, you just have to keep trying different meetings to find one that you are comfortable with.
    In my home group, we have a guy that just rambles, and makes absolutely NO point at all EVER. People just sit and roll their eyes at him. Depending on who is moderating, they either let him talk or shut him down.
    As Paul said, write your shopping list in your head.
    Keep trying, you will find a comfortable place.

    • Of all the meetings I’ve attended, none of the moderators feel comfortable interrupting – unfortunate. Guess it’s up to me to bring up something positive about sobriety.. Like I told Paul…I should find a group with dudes in attendance.

  5. I so resonate with everything that you have shared. age, retirement, children, etc. I am somewhat of an introvert but would love to hear from you. I would like to email privately, but not sure how to go about it. Can you shed some light?

    • I’d love to chat with you through the blogs. My email address is my full name – so I prefer not to give that out, but feel free to place comments on any of my posts and we can have a conversation. If you have a blog yourself, let me know!

  6. I find quite a bit of this at meetings. When it seems over the top I always try to comment about how much better my life is sober. How the past 8 and some months have brought my true happiness and peace of mind. How life without alcohol is not only possible, but so much better.

    I worry that the chronic downers will scare away newer people. And that woukd be a shame.

  7. you are so correct!!!! i just started at AA two weeks ago, and that basically describes my experience to a T! I am getting a little worn out and bummed by a string of not so great meetings. I need to find a few good ones, and just stick to them!!

    great blog! glad I found you 🙂

  8. 11 Days sober here and happy. Haven’t been to any AA meeting but it sounds like it’s very much like real life when I read this. :-). Question: would it be unpolite to mention that you feel uncomfortable with the general tendency to, aaahr, focus on (utterly boring, negative and extremely selfcentered stories, no) aaaahr, life issues that are being put out there but are not related back to the general purpose of the meeting which is how to stay sober? Or is that ‘soooooo not done’?

    • Thanks for your comment and congrats on 11 days! Related to your question, that would be a pretty sensitive area to go into and I don’t think I’d have the nerve to voice that comment. In AA you are asked not to “overtalk” in other words, not to do a back and forth type of conversation with anyone. Everyone gets to speak what’s on their mind and it is really up to the moderator to be sure to keep the conversations going in the right direction and hold each speaker to a reasonable amount of time. If you decide to attend AA (which I highly recommend!), you will find that each meeting is set up to run the same way, but the types of conversations will be very different. Check out the post I just wrote this morning. I found a wonderful group and it’s a good fit for me. Best of luck to you and stay in touch with all of us!

  9. Thank you Trish for your reply. Happy that you found a happy group. 🙂 I’m thinking about attending AA meetings but I’m not the religious type and therefor I am a little hestistant. Do I understand that it is ok to ‘shop’ for a group? I’m afraid to get stuck somewhere where I don’t feel comfortable.

    • Absolutely! Firstly, don’t let the religious part scare you. They all talk of a higher power (whatever that means for you), but many folks are not “religious.” Secondly, you never actually join a group. As a newcomer you are encouraged to attend as many meetings as possible – all different meetings. No one judges you if you are gone for awhile and then show up again. It is all very casual. I’m anxious to hear how you proceed.

      • Thank you for your reply! That actually takes my worries away. I am currently ‘proceeding’ on my own. Writing all (and really all) the nasty stuff in my blog. I will visit a meeting this weekend or early next week. 🙂 Thanks again!

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