Thank you to Sunny Sanguinity for her insightful post. I read it this morning just as I was feeling sorry for myself. She helped me to realize how important it is to love myself before anything else. You see, this morning, on day two of my “Spring Break” I was wandering through the house afraid that I would waste away this vacation week with nothing to show for it. I would return to work next Monday and wonder what I did with those precious days. I’ve spoken about the lists I make of all the fun stuff I will accomplish, but then I wander. Sunny spoke of her daily routine of doing some form of exercise, meditation, journaling. She keeps a vision board. She actively works on self-love. She puts one foot in front of the other. Another thing she mentioned is writing her blog without censor. In other words, writing as though no one is reading it. I don’t do that at all. I write as thought I’m speaking face to face, so I’m not about to say anything that would embarrass myself or make me look damaged. No sir ee. I will keep my authentic self to myself, thank you very much.
I’m going to take Sunny’s advise and spend my Spring Break vacation learning to love myself unconditionally. I always thought I did, but I’m second guessing that now. My vacation is not about how many books I read, which new recipe I try, what canvas I paint. Instead, I think I’ll use this precious time to get to know myself/love myself a bit better.
So…here we go
275 days ago, I lost my best friend. I don’t miss that liquid poison. But I miss the companionship. It was my excuse to curl up on the couch and watch a stupid Lifetime movie. It was my excuse not to participate in a neighborhood gathering, a church group dinner, or an extended phone call with an old friend. I had my friend in my hand and I was perfectly content. Now I find myself wandering, lonely, isolated. I’ve alienated anyone who was willing to offer their friendship, companionship. I’ve alienated my only sibling (estranged is the word I believe). I have only my elderly mother left in my immediate family. My children/grandchildren live in different states. We love each other, but seldom talk. My husband is happy go lucky and not needy at all. Oh, and my dog passed away a few months ago. Well, I didn’t really need to throw that into the mix.
My life might change course soon. My husband is being considered for a position that would transfer us back to Michigan, where we moved from 8 years ago. Back to the town we loved, and most importantly, back to where our eldest daughter and our two grandchildren live. Oh how lovely that would be! Everything would change. My life would be amazing! Would it? Or would I just bring this baggage up to Michigan with me?
I think I have some work to do before that happens. I think I need to bury my poisonous friend once and for all. I need to move on and allow myself to heal and be open to others.
And if the transfer doesn’t happen? I must find other ways to reach out and replace the empty companionship of a poisonous liquid with something that has a heartbeat.